Things to Be Scared of If You Are Not Already Afraid

In a former post, I expressed concern over the climate of fear in America today. If you are not afraid, maybe you want to get in on the action. Here is a handy list of things that you can be afraid of so you don't feel left out:

The cencus taker is casing your home and life bent on identity theft. So she's a thick in the middle 50 year old woman in sturdy walking shoes - an ideal front man.

Reptilian Shape Shifters - it's worse than you think. The ghost of your grandmother that both quickens and warms your heart strings? Do not engage in conversation. Don't seem glad to see her or ask how Uncle Vincent is doing. She's probably not really your dead Nana, but a reptilian shape shifter out to harvest your soul or come to add you to the entre list on an alien menu at a trendoid pan-galactic restaurant in the sky.

The kid across the street who wears the unattractive hairdo may be plotting the next Columbine.

The swarthy people who moved in next door and the lady wears a scarf on her head? They may be planning on how to blow up the local shopping mall. Not that anybody is actually in the mall shopping anymore.

The shy man down the street, probably a child molester because shy = sneaky. After all, shy, quiet people can take medicine for that and become friendly and outgoing.

The African American teenager who checks out his reflection in your car window doesn't really care how good looking he seems to himself, but is looking for a way to break into your car and steal those Judy Garland CDs.

That huge whirly thing in the sky over Norway last fall. It sure was pretty but nobody's saying a thing.

2012.

Magnetic Polar shift might have something to do with solar storms or 2012, or the magma seems to be dancing a new step and confusing the hell out of the Earth's core. It's like everything is being yanked in one direction then switches to another like if you don't know how to do the Electric slide at a wedding but try anyway, then they all start moving in your direction. Only on a much larger scale.

Global warming, that hot button issue, may turn Vegas into a swamp. Fertile areas will turn to dust. I'll suddenly have that waterfront home I've always wanted but will have to spend all that money on flood insurance and deal with tourists and their incessant need for directions to the nearest public toilet.

Flu pandemic, the coming plague. First it was Noah's Great Flood, then the Black Death, the Flue of 1918, WWII. Certain parties on both sides of the political spectrum look foreword to a mass eradication of humanity. Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies are making mega-bucks gearing up for the next panic.

Communists. You thought they were pretty much out of the picture but the corporate megalith needs something to balance things out, or get everybody to forget about them and worry about people who can't afford their heat bills and decide to put on red bandannas and throw trash cans through the windows of Starbucks.

Identity theft. I see another person, a criminal. She looks exactly like me but better because she's had a string life and buys top of the line make-up and a$60.00 hair cut. she's got all my special numbers and secret passwords. And she's living high off the hog on my credit : jewelry, vacations in high end resorts. She drives a snazzy car and generally whoops it up while I get my kicks buying 1/2 price Wheat Thins at Aldi's. And I get stuck with the bills.

Zombies.